What would I miss?

If one of my children died, what would I miss? A dear friend's son died yesterday while on
an outdoor outing. They believe he was caught under a waterfall current and drowned. He was in his late 20's. I visited with my friend just for a few moments right after we heard. I know she
was holding it together for our sake, those of us who came to be of comfort. She said she didn't know how she felt. Those kind of events take our breath away and give it back a little at a time over an unspecified period of time.

I wondered what I would miss if one of my children were to pass before me. So much of our life together is a physical experience. As a mother, the moment a child isconceived she thinks about the developing fetus and ideally makes choices to ensure proper growth. Once the child is born she feeds, cleans and clothes her child. When they are grown we concern ourselves about how he or she will provide for themselves, where he or she will live, etc. Always we are involved with the physical care of our child.

The emotional and spiritual concerns tag along behind. When a child scrapes a knee we care for the scrape and offer comfort on the side. It's possible that for some it's the other way around. And perhaps as they grow older it becomes more so as we expect them to be more independent. So, the question, is what would I miss most? The first thought that came to my mind is being able to hold my child close, that I would miss the most, his or her physical contact.

Behind that thought is that I would miss feeling the spirit of that child as I hold him or her close. Within an embrace is a recollection of a lifetime in a few moments. When I hold a child to say goodbye in the morning or hello at the end of the day I am reminiscing their lifetime in a moment. I hold close the newborn, infant, child, adolescent and young adult at the same time. Everything that child has ever been to me comes back in a rush of love and connection. That I would miss the most.