Again, something new.

A few times now, in this forum, I have revealed lessons learned that I had not supposed before. Tonight I learned yet another. My daughter (9yrs old) had a bad tootache. She was screaming ( as an emotional release) crying and even laughing at her predicament - tremendous pain in her mouth which vibrated throughout her whole body and no dentist in office to be consulted. As she sat next to me at dinner, writhing in pain, I had my arm around her, trying to comfort as best I could.

My mother sat next to us. She said in her native tongue something to the effect that when she was a child, if she or any of her siblings were in pain, they were scolded, and she marveled that I would even try to soothe. I had heard her say similar comments before. But tonight, it occurred to me that this explains a great deal about the difficulties in our relationship

I have tried repeatedly to have an affectionate relationship with my mom. It seems when we get "close" we fall apart. I had finally decided that my mom cannot handle my affection. It throws her off. So I have kept a distance while still doing my best to help her along. At times I have felt guilty about this deliberate withdrawal but tonight I have become convinced that it was the appropriate thing to do. Mom really does feel more comfortable at arms length away. More importantly, I do not need to feel guilty. How she is has nothing to do with me.

I was intuitively correct in keeping a distance. I have even come to understand this choice as respect for who she is. I accept. It's all right. We have reached an equilibrium, however less than ideal, it is peaceful. Peaceful is good.