Everyday they come

These thoughts are incessant, really, which depending on which set of thoughts can be good or not so good. My dear Auntie Charing is hard of hearing and when she lived with us it seemed that being so is not such a bad thing. That's only because her thoughts which she had for company were a good sort of bunch. Our thoughts are constant companions, are they not? So, choose carefully your friends..........

Work that saves us.

The nature of work can be elusive in our day and place. My daughter wants to earn money to buy
a hand held game system. While I was at work she did various chores on a list I had made for her before I left. By the time I got back home she had earned $10. I am very proud of her! Just a week ago I was fretting over how to keep the kids busy while I taught a yoga class here and there. We had a serious conversation - which was actually me speaking with great emotion - telling them that I need to work so we can have the basic things and they need to help out and avoid idleness. It actually seemed to work. My kids are good. When I catch myself coddling them - wanting to spare them the work - I have to stop myself. That's my mom's approach, but it doesn't have to be mine. Since I stopped seeing work as a punishment we have all been a lot happier. I am blessed to do something I love for work for just a few hours a week and to have such great kids who are learning to embrace the principle of work in their own lives. Work can save us and we ought to be grateful for the opportunity to work.

Do it anyway

I feel a little off today. Trying to figure out why. Also trying to decided if it's important. I really feel like cocooning myself in bed with a book and some food. But I am teaching a yoga class and need to leave the kids. That might be wearing me out - the coming and going. Amanda has a root canal this afternoon after I get back. I would rather take the kids swimming at our neighbor's pool. So, what is really going on is, freedom vs got-to-do's. Some things we have to do anyway, no matter how we feel.

It's my birthday today.

Today is my birthday. How do I feel? I feel pretty good, considering. The good thing is I don't need as much. I remember earlier birthdays feeling like it really needed to be a special day. We had to go somewhere, do something interesting, etc. Tonight we are having a picnic in our backyard. Sandwiches that we make ourselves with all the healthy fixings I like and kettle potato chips, unusual juices, fresh fruit. My #1 daughter is going to make a chocolate cake - out of the box - but I also have fresh strawberrys - great combination.

As I cleaned the patio table and positioned the chair cushions I thought about how my Auntie Charing celebrated her birthday. To her, a birthday was not a day to get, it was a day to give. She is an elderly widow who worked hard to support her family and lives very humbly. She came to this country a few years ago to take care of her aging father. She never owned her own home. She took care of my other Aunt's brain damaged son from an infant till his death as a young adult while his mother came to the United States to raise her other three children. This child was in a vegetative state. Auntie Charing's loving, warm tending to my cousin impressed me and still does. It touches my heart even as I think about it at this moment.

She came to live with us for awhile. She stayed in the same room with my mom. One year, at her birthday, she insisted on taking our whole family out to dinner. On her meager income she treated US on HER birthday. And she was completely and utterly happy doing it. She just beamed as we sat around the table having dinner. It was like magic.

I want to learn that kind of magic - the kind that allows a person to be completely and utterly happy while giving. Today I start by giving to my family on my birthday.

Again, something new.

A few times now, in this forum, I have revealed lessons learned that I had not supposed before. Tonight I learned yet another. My daughter (9yrs old) had a bad tootache. She was screaming ( as an emotional release) crying and even laughing at her predicament - tremendous pain in her mouth which vibrated throughout her whole body and no dentist in office to be consulted. As she sat next to me at dinner, writhing in pain, I had my arm around her, trying to comfort as best I could.

My mother sat next to us. She said in her native tongue something to the effect that when she was a child, if she or any of her siblings were in pain, they were scolded, and she marveled that I would even try to soothe. I had heard her say similar comments before. But tonight, it occurred to me that this explains a great deal about the difficulties in our relationship

I have tried repeatedly to have an affectionate relationship with my mom. It seems when we get "close" we fall apart. I had finally decided that my mom cannot handle my affection. It throws her off. So I have kept a distance while still doing my best to help her along. At times I have felt guilty about this deliberate withdrawal but tonight I have become convinced that it was the appropriate thing to do. Mom really does feel more comfortable at arms length away. More importantly, I do not need to feel guilty. How she is has nothing to do with me.

I was intuitively correct in keeping a distance. I have even come to understand this choice as respect for who she is. I accept. It's all right. We have reached an equilibrium, however less than ideal, it is peaceful. Peaceful is good.

An idea

If my family reads this, and I don't think they do, they would be concerned about the idea I am about to share. I am in a quiet kitchen, my big kids are asleep at 9:13am. I am remembering kids in a distant continent who rise early to help provide for the family. My mother's own stories of selling gleaned sweet potatoes, among a myriad of other stories, swirling in my mind.

My idea is to plan a family activity where we work to earn our meals for the day. I am kind of excited.

Summer

Today is the last day of school for my two elementary age children. For the past few weeks I have been thinking and planning how to organize a household of people through the summer. There are nine people in my house when we are all home. There is my husband, myself, my mom, 25yr old son, 18yr old daughter, 15yr old daughter, 9 yr old daughter, 7yr old son and a 30yr old nephew. We have two dogs and a bird. The bird I have to think the least about.

Out of all these people, only my husband leaves in the morning for a full time job. You can imagine my challenge. Honestly, it would be simpler going to work and having one specific focus. My job is more than full time and all over the place. I need a way to reign it all in. I want order and peace above all. How to accomplish this?

Early this morning I was thinking about this. I have a few ideas. Small daily chores for everyone. I am trying to figure out mealtimes. There are some activities like beach day Wednesdays, library Fridays and possibly movie Mondays. But my concern is keeping the house clean and people productive. Idleness and filthiness are not ingredients for peace and happiness. But how to corral so many different individuals into such an existence without fighting?

I decided that I need a super-structure, a large scale system to channel lives. I prayed for one. The gospel is such a structure -family prayer, church attendance. In my yoga teaching I teach within a super-structure. The students are all different and I have to encourage and guide without force. I certainly can learn to do that at home. My family then, is my yoga class. There are different types of people, I need to modify for some and challenge others. But we all need to function within the super-structure ( such as the yoga poses and philosophy are the super-structure for the yoga class).

In order to be a good yoga teacher I know that I need to keep up with my own practice then share that with my students as I teach them. This is the same in my family. In order to guide them through a productive and purposeful life, I need to live one myself.

Curiosity

It may have killed the cat, curiosity. But I believe it the essential doorway to walk through to get to knowledge. What to be curious about, is maybe the more important question. It is a cousin to intent, curiosity is.

All I can say is it is important to want to know..........

bad language in third grade?!?!

An overheard conversation has revealed that my 9 yr old daughter, just finishing the 4th grade, has had her sweet little ears littered with bad language. According to her and a neighbor friend, 3rd, 4th and 5th graders at their elementary school use profanity. It's no wonder that my daughter has been asking to be homeschooled and even said that the environment is not good for her. I had been hesitating, not sure if I could handle schooling her while taking her older sister back and forth to her classes at her independent study high school. Also, I have a part time job which takes me, currently, out of the house two days a week. I was willing to request a change in schedule in order to homeschool her and still am. However, my daughter changed her mind and now wants to go to 5th grade at the public school. Now I am not so sure if that is what we should do.

On the other hand, I know she will be exposed to it sooner or later. I can't completely shield her. But it does bring to mind the question of what I can do to fortify her. What does the use of bad language do, exactly, to a young mind? What does it do to a child who doesn't use that language to hear it? Their minds are young still. They are impressionable. How does the use of crude language affect their sentiments, spirit and disposition?

I remember how cranky she has been and now I understand. I know why she still wants me to cuddle with her at bedtime. She still sits on my lap and needs time almost everyday to be close to me. I realize now, how important is my influence for good. When the world is harsh, a child needs someone to be tender. When the world is wrong, a child needs someone to be right. When the world is demeaning, a child needs someone to remind him or her that he or she is divine. When the world is base, a child needs someone to treat him or her as a child of God.

What would I miss?

If one of my children died, what would I miss? A dear friend's son died yesterday while on
an outdoor outing. They believe he was caught under a waterfall current and drowned. He was in his late 20's. I visited with my friend just for a few moments right after we heard. I know she
was holding it together for our sake, those of us who came to be of comfort. She said she didn't know how she felt. Those kind of events take our breath away and give it back a little at a time over an unspecified period of time.

I wondered what I would miss if one of my children were to pass before me. So much of our life together is a physical experience. As a mother, the moment a child isconceived she thinks about the developing fetus and ideally makes choices to ensure proper growth. Once the child is born she feeds, cleans and clothes her child. When they are grown we concern ourselves about how he or she will provide for themselves, where he or she will live, etc. Always we are involved with the physical care of our child.

The emotional and spiritual concerns tag along behind. When a child scrapes a knee we care for the scrape and offer comfort on the side. It's possible that for some it's the other way around. And perhaps as they grow older it becomes more so as we expect them to be more independent. So, the question, is what would I miss most? The first thought that came to my mind is being able to hold my child close, that I would miss the most, his or her physical contact.

Behind that thought is that I would miss feeling the spirit of that child as I hold him or her close. Within an embrace is a recollection of a lifetime in a few moments. When I hold a child to say goodbye in the morning or hello at the end of the day I am reminiscing their lifetime in a moment. I hold close the newborn, infant, child, adolescent and young adult at the same time. Everything that child has ever been to me comes back in a rush of love and connection. That I would miss the most.

Are we all alike?

Two moments this week make me wonder how alike we are. First, last Sunday, the sweetest
mom in our church taught the women. She said that, with 8 kids, there were moments when she got angry and that by following the Spirit she was able to make better choices as a mother. I never would have guessed that she got angry. She truly is the sweetest mom I have known ever. I felt a shudder of relief and wondered at the idea that we were alike in some way.

The second moment occurred today during the bridal shower of a great friend. Her friends quizzed her fiance on information about their relationship and the game was to see if the bride to be would answer the question in like fashion as her fiance. One of the questions was, "What about your bride to be irritates you?" It turns out they disagree on how to wash the dishes. I thought our household was the only one in which that could be such a big deal at times. I wish I would have known this. It would have spared me the moments of thinking our marriage was doomed because I like to wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher and my husband thinks this a waste of time and energy.

Mothering and marriage. Underneath the different backgrounds, cultures, demographics, etc. are we really all very much alike? If so, why did I think otherwise? I have to think about this because it could change my outlook on my life radically........

My right hip

I went to the gym with my daughter this afternoon. We did 20 min on the elliptical, stretched then took showers. I took her shopping for Sunday clothes. After a few minutes in the store I could barely walk. My right hip felt stiff and painful. I could hardly get in and out of the car and I felt exhausted. We finished out shopping. In the kitchen I hobbled along getting something to eat while my mom, recovering from a right hip replacement and broken right femur, hobbled along too. It was funny.

Almost immediately after the pain started I noted that mom and I were afflicted in the same hip. I kind of understood how it must have felt to walk with pain. I realized how other women must feel who walk with pain. I decided to let the experience imbue me with empathy from that moment on. I questioned my attitude towards those with bodily afflictions. Do I blame them for not taking care of their bodies better? Maybe a little. But I am going to work on not doing that anymore. Pain in my right hip is a humbling experience and I hope it gets better soon.

Discovery

In theory, I have made a discovery worth noting. Moms, if you would like some quiet time while everyone is home and if you have a primary grade child who is busy and active then I share this discovery particularly with you.

Yesterday, while doing various household chores as we usually do on a Saturday, my 7 yr old son kept asking to play hide and go seek. It was unusual but we had fun playing games the night before and he seemed more obedient after we spent time together that I said, "Sure, we'll play hide and go seek just as soon as I finish this last task." He waited and even helped me accomplish the chore. Then I counted first while he hid. I found him and then it was my turn to hide. I had to make some sounds to lead him to the bathroom where I was or I might have been there for a long, long time. I counted again, found him, then he counted. And here comes the discovery.

I hid under my big king sized bed. I could see his little feet going from room to room. And as any mother knows children do not really look when they look. That is why we are constantly helping them find missing items because most of the time they do not really know how to search. He walked into our bedroom several times and stood in the middle of the room then walked out thinking he had "looked" in my bedroom.

Meanwhile I was quite comfortable under the bed surrounded by miscellaneous stored items.
It was quiet, cool and restful. I thought of the box of chocolates in my wardrobe a few feet away and wished I had taken them with me when I hid. I also thought about the book I have just begun to read and have been wanting to get back into but haven't found a portion of quiet time to do so. He walked back into our room a few more times until our dog, Oli, gave me away by laying down next to me. Although I was completely hidden, Oli was not and Eduardo decided I must be under there because Oliver follows me everywhere.

While I was under there I thought how I could hide really well next time, bring provisions, and have a few minutes of quiet time to myself while my son "looked" for me. I thought maybe other mothers might appreciate this discovery and I couldn't wait to share it. Hide and Seek, a way to play with your child and get a few moments of quiet time, all in one game! When it's your turn to hide, have provisions ready to take with you, hide somewhere comfortable and of course, know how long to hide without raising suspicion. Have fun!

In response to facebook's "What's on your mind?"

Here is what's on my mind:
Drama of just about any kind, other than what's onstage and thus can be left there knowing full well that after the show the actors put on grubby clothes and walk to their old cars because most of them are poor, anyway, not that drama but the other kind. The kind of drama that drains your energy, keeps you thinking in circles with no resolution nearby, the kind characterized by old people's regrets, middle aged people's anxieties and young people's angst should be left alone. This kind of drama and all of its cousins, aunts and uncles should be left where they lie and fester. Warning: Do not take them in, they are toxic and hazardous to your health. Take it from someone who knows. Just don't do it. Be warned. Be wise. Exercise your natural instinct for self-preservation and do not feel even a twinge of guilt. Be well and maybe others will decide to be well along side of you.

That's what's on my mind..........in case anyone really wants to know.

getting teary

I've been a performer of sorts since I danced as a toddler with a monkey to the music box of it's handler in a park and people threw money at us. It wasn't a profession, just something I must have felt like doing, unprompted. Throughout my life I have gravitated to opportunities to perform; acting, singing, whatever! I even took the opportunity to dance in a ballet at my daughter's recital when they invited the parents to be in a ballet number. Yes, my 30 something body in a leotard, tights, and tutu was not a repulsive idea to me. I was in heaven. One of my things to do before death was to dance with children. I did it and it felt like a dream come true.

Anyway, my point is, my children have grown up watching me do this. So when my 9 year old's school was getting a talent show together she wanted to be a part of it. She tried to get a friend to do a dance number with her but they couldn't agree on a song. She thought of doing a number with her brother (which they do at home to our delight) but thought the other kids would think that was weird. How early they become attuned to social stigmas. Eventually she decided to be part of a large group number with not much to learn but still getting a chance to be in the thing.
She thought the movements were too simple but she went along and, I think, had a great time.

I just got back from the said talent show and have to note that during the finale, when all the kids came out as an older child sang "It's The Climb" by Miley Cyrus, I got teary eyed, inspite of myself. I used to get teary all the time, when the kids were little little and we would watch Disney movies. At any little sentimental idea, I would get teary eyed. I have toughened up a great deal since then and do not consider myself so sentimental anymore. On numerous occasions I had decided that the tendency to be overly emotional about fiction just wasn't reasonable, healthy, realistic or helpful. It just sets one up for disappointment and folly. Life is
not a romantic comedy. But this morning, as all those children starting walking up to the front of the room, the energy of their sheer numbers and youth woke up this tired heart. I started singing along, "It ain't about how fast I get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb."

Just this morning, as I brushed my teeth along side my children before taking them to school, I thought how much I preferred their company than to almost any other kind of people. I love how simple life is through their eyes, uncluttered by heartache and disappointment that comes just from living long enough. Seeing all those children, at the very start of their climb, yes, this tired heart stirred and I got teary, barely, just enough to remember.

hello

Hi. It is a rare day that I have all to myself. My mom, who lives with us, was taken out by a friend for an outing. She is not able to get around by herself anymore. My little kids are at school and my big kids are sleeping in. I had a myriad of choices of what to do today. I decided to do that task tha that has been pulling at my sleeves for days, weeks and subconsciously, months.

I cleaned out the linen closets. One is in part of my closet in the bedroom. No problem. A few things got taken out, some things are getting thrown away. Mission accomplished.

The other linen closet is in the large bathroom and has been an eyesore for a very long time. There are always beach towels (even though we don't go that often, something we hope to change this summer) falling over each other on top. Oh, by the way, it is a free standing cabinet that sits in the corner opposite the toilet (so we get to look at it everytime we sit for a spell). The sheets and pillow cases inside are pushed in every which way and the doors do not properly close, ever.

I had not planned on tackling this closet. But the house was still quiet and it was only 9am or so. I lost track of time. Cleaning can do that to me. I decided to go for it. My first course of action was to put the beach towels where the reams of toilet paper rolls are kept. Never mind the worry that "WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT THE TOILET PAPER?!" I pulled out the rolls and starting folding the large beach towels and stacking them on top of one another. They fit with room to spare because that shelf is extra long (the shelf that divides it in two sits on the bottom because the little shelf holder inserts are lost forever).

Next was the sheets. I began refolding and organizing. Fitted sheet with matching flat sheet on top was the order. I even remembered how my mom had always tried to teach my how to fold fitted sheets and I never cared enough to do it until today. It worked beautifully. The sheets look marvelous - perfectly folded and sitting squarely one on top of another. I thought about how important it was for my mom to fold the fitted sheets correctly and I just never did it. My poor mother gave up. But now, decades later, I remember what she showed me and I finally appreciate the technique enough, or care enough, to use it!

Lesson: Do not be discouraged if your children do not learn what you teach them the moment that you teach them. Keep doing what your think is right, best, wise, etc and maybe one day, when the moment is right, they will finally get it. It encourages me to keep living the best I can and not be anxious if my children do not pick up on everything right now.........

Again, I took out a bunch of things - several King size sheets in colors that no longer match our bedroom but I had bought on sale back when I didn't know what colors I wanted in my room, or again, didn't really care as much. Funny how life changes. My dog, Oli, snuggled in those sheets until I put them with the discards from the other closet. And then, the miracle of all miracles! "THERE WAS ROOM FOR THE TOILET PAPER ON THE TOP SHELF!" I put in the last roll and shut the door - incidentally, they all shut properly now, or at least, for now. (Have learned that you can't get too excited about a finished cleaning project because you never know how long it will last.) Then I said to myself :

(Lesson) " Everything fit just by taking a few things out!"

Immediately I thought of life. There are so many things I want to fit in my life. There is music, family, teaching yoga, getting a Master's Degree and all the incidentals to that, making a home, cleaning, cooking healthy meals..............how to fit it all in. So, perhaps if I just dive into the closet of "want to do's", take a few things out , maybe everything that needs to will fit.