Am I an impostor?

Sometimes I feel like I am an impostor. I pretend very well to be a wife and mother of five. Back when I was trying to decide whether or not to major in Theater I realized one day that I have been acting all my life - or at least most of my life. I chose my life but really I have not been raised for such a life. What I mean is that I am acting contrary to my conditioning. I didn't like my conditioning so I chose differently. I suppose there is a bit of nobility in that. But sometimes, there are moments, when I feel like I am an impostor. I get these feelings when something reminds me of the dark times in my childhood. I don't want to remember them. But they come up. Right now I am studying substance abuse. Maybe it is not a good idea. When I read about those who are prone to abuse I see that I fit those profiles. I could have been some kind of substance abuser. But I had absolutely no desire. I wanted a better life. I have lived a clean life but there is dirt inside of me that I can't seem to wash off no matter how good my life is. Maybe I should reconsider being a therapist. Maybe I need to do something else, something that won't remind me of my past suffering.

Learning to listen.

Being a parent is the most complex endeavor. It's odd how easily we can come by it, really. There are no qualifications, certifications, levels of education, experience, background checks, applications to fill out or trainings to pass in order to become a parent. Yet, it is the most important job in the universe. Just goes to show, God must be impartial to afford just about anyone the opportunity to have the most important job in His universe. He is an equal opportunity employer.

Here is what I have been thinking about in earnest about parenting. It is so much more about listening than anyone says. Listen with focused interest and get your hand of that child's pulse. Get to know your child's heart. Then pray that for the right words at the right time to touch your child's heart. When you have your child's pulse you can monitor their health and progress.

Each child will need something different. Your job is to understand what that need is and try to fill it. When they are infants it's being able to tell if they are hungry, wet or tired. It starts out simple, thank goodness. Then those choices of needs become more complex and personal to the child. You have to be able to adapt and improvise in order to keep up. Do not be deceived by how big they may get. They will always need something from you until you leave this earth. I have children from ages 7-25. I know my oldest can do his own laundry. What he needs from me is a word or two of counsel now and then, not just any counsel though, the right counsel. Knowing what to say at the right moment takes a great deal of thinking and intuiting on my part. And the moments when I can help are few so I have to get it right on. My 7 year old needs to learn obedience right now. He needs me to say "no" to him quite a bit. But more than that, he needs to know what the "yeses" are so he can get things right and feel good about himself. Then there are the three daughters in between the youngest and the oldest, each with their own set of unique needs.

It is a fun job. I have to say. It keeps me involved with humanity, my own and at large. It keeps me in touch with the workings of a human soul. As I learn each day to listen more carefully and deeply I am finding a wellspring of understanding, even wisdom, in my own soul.
Speaking becomes more meaningful and natural. First, just listen.

What I want to learn to sing...

I used to sing ALOT. I fell out of it, oddly enough, when I started taking guitar lessons in 2006. I had a teacher who played guitar that just mesmerized me and I lost my own voice, in a way. I stopped creating by instinct and began trying to "play" the guitar as written in a book. I stopped taking lessons last fall. The expectations are starting to fall away and I am itching to get back to playing from my heart, not just from my head. As part of that process and in order to bring the fun back into singing and playing, I am going to learn some songs on the guitar like I did when I first started learning the instrument in 7th grade. I am going to make a list of songs starting with the following...

songs I want to learn:

*Say a Little Prayer for You
*You've Got a Friend
*All I Really Need is a Song in My Heart
*When Somebody Loved Me
*Shower the People You Love with Love
*Hold Out

It's time to get started!

Losing yourself to find yourself.

I have been thinking about this principle that I have heard about for a long time. I thought I knew what it meant. But I think I am just beginning to know. I am preparing to enter a new field. I am training to be a substance abuse counselor. I have spoken to two counselors in the field as part of an assignment for the program. These are individuals who know what it is to lose themselves. I know it can't be an unhealthy thing but I realize that I have just begun to scratch the surface.

Yes, I am a mother of five. I teach yoga. I have tried to fill my life with doing good. There is more to go - more growth, more learning, more giving. I am both looking forward to this new experience while also knowing that I have to be wise not to get burned out. It is a new adventure.

What it takes.

"Breakfast will be ready in five minutes!" It is a cheerful voice at 6:45am on a clouded summer morning. It is time for soccer camp, a week long, 3 1/2 hour a day activity to keep small bodies
busy and growing minds from getting slumpy as we near the middle of this wonderful season. The two children for whom the invitation was made have no idea just what it took for to accomplish
that declaration that lasted just seconds.

I woke up a little before five am. I couldn't sleep much to my husbands disappointment. He loves so much sleep that he actually grieves for someone who can't. I finally climbed out of bed and headed to the kitchen where my computer is. I turned in on and began my day. For me, this has become writing. I am part of a writing workshop that requires we write everyday. In order to avoid this taks getting pushed aside I do it first thing after which I comment on a few fellow writer's musing and sometimes even get inspired to write some more. It is a wonder of a process, really. So I wrote and read for an hour. Then I did homework for half an hour before it was time to get dressed and wake up the kids.

The reason I felt cheerful is that I require a certain amount of mental activity to clear my head and help me be in a good mood. Physical activity does the same thing. I'll do that too today.
So, my ideal day is when I have been a happy person for my kids. If it takes some work to get there, I will do it. That is what it takes, so I'll do it.

happy

I have to say, when I read other people's writing, I realize that basically, I am happy. It is not a glamorous life. I am a stay at home mom who does her best to get out some but still remain
basically a stay at home mom. It is what I wanted. I have never had a full time job outside of home. The closest I got was two part time jobs for a month before we had kids. I quit one job
to return to school. I don't have a lot of fancy stuff. I shop at the discount stores and sale racks. We have a modest house that more than serves our needs. We could use a new couch but that will have to wait until our oldest daughter is done with college. I don't cook the fanciest of stuff but I try to make what tastes good with simplicity and as few ingredients as possible. I don't have an amazing garden even though I would love it. I don't have time.

But here is what I DO have! I have five children who appear to be amazing to me. They are just good people, in spite of all my failings, of their parents failings. I have a purpose. I have enough to do outside of the family to keep my needs for growth satisfied. I have a husband who hasn't given up. I have a family and a good reason to live. I am happy. Life is not fancy but it has all the most important elements.

The ability to speak my mind.

It has become clear to me that the silent, quietly suffering woman in the corner of the room works in the movies but not in real life. At least, not for me, in my current life. If I want life to be good, I have to express my needs and even desires. Of course, I can't be tyrannical. If I do my best to have everyone's best interests in mind then chances are good that my needs will be to help other needs be met. My personal needs are my responsibility and they are simple - good health and continued progress - what I usually need help with is taking care of the family. In short, I understand that I need to let my husband know what I expect of him as a father and husband. I hate to say but I'm usually right. So sorry to admit that. But it is true. My desire is the happiness and well-being of my family so, even my personal upkeep is to that end. I take care of myself so I can better take care of others. Once in awhile, I get to have a good time as well - like going on roller coasters with my kids at Knott's Berry Farm! So, anyway, my point is this, it's OK to speak my mind to my husband. It's not unromantic or less magical. It's necessary, smart and will allow us to continue to build our lives together and care for our family. That's a good thing.

Dependable

What is dependable? Am I, dependable? I try, certainly. But it seems that I am often at the mercy of this swirl of emotions, like an unsettled ocean , that can be calm one moment and stormy the next.

But there are small ways to be dependable. Would you like a bowl of cereal? To which my 7 year
old responds excitedly, "Lucky Charms!" How easy he is to please. It took me less than a minute
to assemble the meal and he was happy. I look like an absolute hero. Does he know how many
choices it took me to get to that place where I can pour him a bowl of Lucky Charms at 7am while the rest of the household still sleeps?

There were so many choices. There was a great many "no" answers. Actually, it was the same few questions to which I chose to answer "no" repeatedly until my life became channeled, focused to a point that took me exactly to that moment of "Would you like a bowl of cereal?"

I don't know if that is dependable. I know it's the best I can do and it has taken all I have got to get there, so, I sure hope it's enough.

Too much?

Is it too much to know what I am thinking all the time? Is it too much for me to share what I am thinking all the time? Probably yes, and yes. Thankfully it isn't possible for me to keep this blog up to date with the myriad of weather conditions that pass through my mind. Sometimes, though, I come up with stuff that I just want to share. Hopefully, those will make it to this forum.