Father Brother

p.s.
I have to thank someone for putting this in my head. She has no idea how much she has given to me. Thank you.

The above is from a post in a writing workshop I am a member of. It was written by a writer whose correspondence I have been in touch with and been responding to. He went from thinking he had cancer to trying to quit smoking to getting a GED on the way to going to college. There were other dramatic moments throughout which we shared indirectly through our posts. I rarely responded directly to his entrees. Rather, I would write a poem, several on most days, in response, which shared my insight and feelings. I have to believe he read my posts as diligently as I read his because my vocabulary would show up in his entrees - words like "plan", "warrior" and "listen."

After reading the above tag to his entree called "College" I felt a surge in my heart and tears come to the surface. At the same time I shrugged it off thinking it's probably a lady friend. But something inside gives me hope that it might be me. Somehow my desire to help, dressed in the poems I wrote, may have made a difference in one man's life. He represents the father and brother that I care for yet was too young to help in their time of need. Maybe someday I will have a chance to tell him, "You're Welcome." If, he was talking about me, if.

Real Victory

I am about to disclose, that is, share something in public that is, by some standards, private. Whose standards? I'm not sure. Maybe standards I make up in my head. I don't know. Here it is. Twice in the last two days I have tasted true victory. It has to do with a party. Not the kind in someone's house with lots of people and music. No, this party is different. To the average observer, it's quiet and only involves one person, me.

I have to preface by saying that three days ago I arrived home from a 13 day vacation with my husband and four (out of five) children. We traveled several thousand miles through several states and saw beauties of this earth which can only have been created by God. We spent time with some of His people, ones we knew before and ones we just met. If that wasn't enough, well, brace yourself for this...we got closer to one another. The whole trip was about getting closer, to beauty in all its varieties, beautiful sights, creatures and souls. And we discovered the beauty of being a family together. Our unique personalities and sensibilities blending over long hours in the car. We marinated into each other and decided, in the end, that we are happy tobe stuck with the same last name, in the same living quarters, while on the road and back home.

The first victory after this trip came yesterday evening as I listened to James Taylor while making Chicken Lo Mein for dinner. My mom came into the kitchen intending, I believe, to chat. My son came in a few minutes after looking in cupboards as he often does. For what in particular I never really know, he just does it habitually while I am in the kitchen. I asked him about his plans for the evening. It turns out he will not be home for dinner. My mom is irked by that, always. She made some sort of disapproving laugh, thinking to get me in on the response. It has been a strangely political thing she does, trying to get me on her side against someone. It seems minor and it really is. She is not some lecherous, conniving presence in our home (although my husband would not shirk to say so). I don't even think she realizes what she does. Anyway, I was not going to be on her team. I said something friendly to my son and kept on cooking. My mom sat there for a few more moments, running out of things to say, then went to her room. The feeling of victory grew over a James Taylor song or two. I stayed my ground without getting offended by my mother. She can have her own little snitchiness. I don't have to. I knew how I wanted to feel, and I had the ability to feel it. I wanted to feel love.

Second victory came this morning after I received an email from my church leader. I had sent out a notice yesterday about yoga classes I will be teaching in our area and wanted to invite the ladies from my church. My leader has some words of advice about protocol and propriety. I was at first taken aback, but not too far back. I quickly thanked my leader for the tips. As I drove home from work (where I had read the email), I decided to send another email of apology. Once again, the feeling of victory grew as I sat in the car and outlined what I would say. I decided to tell the ladies that I still love them, which I do. I understood how important propriety is for some people. I knew how I wanted to feel, and I had the ability to feel it.

This is when I felt the party. I didn't feel it yesterday. I felt it today while driving in my car. The party is inside of me. It was an after victory party, in this case, two victories. The first one felt good. But this one feels great. I've realized I'm onto something here. I can have a party inside no matter what is going on outside. It felt like a churning energy source inside that can't be extinguished from without. It is a feeling of being in control, not of others, but of myself. I don't have a name for it. I can't relate it to anything I've learned in a book or in life. I think I am going to let it sit, grow and continue to reveal itself to me for the rest of my life.

I've got a party going on inside and the more someone tries to blow it out, the stronger it gets.

Atonement

I attended a Prenatal Teacher Training (yoga) this past weekend. We learned about deep procession work, among other things. It involves imagining yourself talking to someone you have unresolved issues with in order to work things out and hopefully, feel better. We didn't have all the time in the world so we were encouraged to choose a person that we can handle in just a little bit of time. I chose someone minor in my life to have this therapeutic conversation with - our partners pretended to be this person and just listened with no responses. It was interesting and exhausting. I wanted to just sleep when I got home and didn't want to talk to anyone. My point is this. I don't really have that much baggage. It would seem so because of all that has happened to me in my life. But it has all been other people's stuff dumping on me. On my own, as an individual I have not really messed up my life. I actually feel quite light. It is a good feeling. Additionally, as I went through a mental list of people to have issues with - parents, significant others, etc -I realized that I've pretty much resolved them in my heart. I don't have any really serious issues with anyone. That's a good feeling too. Lastly, I understand a little more why we need the atonement of Jesus Christ. The reason I can be so well, in spite of all the bad stuff that has happened to me is because the Savior suffered not only for my sins but for my suffering as well. I have felt his healing power come into my life when I have suffered at the hands of others. I really am all right and that is a miracle. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ I really am made whole. I love Him.

Am I an impostor?

Sometimes I feel like I am an impostor. I pretend very well to be a wife and mother of five. Back when I was trying to decide whether or not to major in Theater I realized one day that I have been acting all my life - or at least most of my life. I chose my life but really I have not been raised for such a life. What I mean is that I am acting contrary to my conditioning. I didn't like my conditioning so I chose differently. I suppose there is a bit of nobility in that. But sometimes, there are moments, when I feel like I am an impostor. I get these feelings when something reminds me of the dark times in my childhood. I don't want to remember them. But they come up. Right now I am studying substance abuse. Maybe it is not a good idea. When I read about those who are prone to abuse I see that I fit those profiles. I could have been some kind of substance abuser. But I had absolutely no desire. I wanted a better life. I have lived a clean life but there is dirt inside of me that I can't seem to wash off no matter how good my life is. Maybe I should reconsider being a therapist. Maybe I need to do something else, something that won't remind me of my past suffering.

Learning to listen.

Being a parent is the most complex endeavor. It's odd how easily we can come by it, really. There are no qualifications, certifications, levels of education, experience, background checks, applications to fill out or trainings to pass in order to become a parent. Yet, it is the most important job in the universe. Just goes to show, God must be impartial to afford just about anyone the opportunity to have the most important job in His universe. He is an equal opportunity employer.

Here is what I have been thinking about in earnest about parenting. It is so much more about listening than anyone says. Listen with focused interest and get your hand of that child's pulse. Get to know your child's heart. Then pray that for the right words at the right time to touch your child's heart. When you have your child's pulse you can monitor their health and progress.

Each child will need something different. Your job is to understand what that need is and try to fill it. When they are infants it's being able to tell if they are hungry, wet or tired. It starts out simple, thank goodness. Then those choices of needs become more complex and personal to the child. You have to be able to adapt and improvise in order to keep up. Do not be deceived by how big they may get. They will always need something from you until you leave this earth. I have children from ages 7-25. I know my oldest can do his own laundry. What he needs from me is a word or two of counsel now and then, not just any counsel though, the right counsel. Knowing what to say at the right moment takes a great deal of thinking and intuiting on my part. And the moments when I can help are few so I have to get it right on. My 7 year old needs to learn obedience right now. He needs me to say "no" to him quite a bit. But more than that, he needs to know what the "yeses" are so he can get things right and feel good about himself. Then there are the three daughters in between the youngest and the oldest, each with their own set of unique needs.

It is a fun job. I have to say. It keeps me involved with humanity, my own and at large. It keeps me in touch with the workings of a human soul. As I learn each day to listen more carefully and deeply I am finding a wellspring of understanding, even wisdom, in my own soul.
Speaking becomes more meaningful and natural. First, just listen.

What I want to learn to sing...

I used to sing ALOT. I fell out of it, oddly enough, when I started taking guitar lessons in 2006. I had a teacher who played guitar that just mesmerized me and I lost my own voice, in a way. I stopped creating by instinct and began trying to "play" the guitar as written in a book. I stopped taking lessons last fall. The expectations are starting to fall away and I am itching to get back to playing from my heart, not just from my head. As part of that process and in order to bring the fun back into singing and playing, I am going to learn some songs on the guitar like I did when I first started learning the instrument in 7th grade. I am going to make a list of songs starting with the following...

songs I want to learn:

*Say a Little Prayer for You
*You've Got a Friend
*All I Really Need is a Song in My Heart
*When Somebody Loved Me
*Shower the People You Love with Love
*Hold Out

It's time to get started!

Losing yourself to find yourself.

I have been thinking about this principle that I have heard about for a long time. I thought I knew what it meant. But I think I am just beginning to know. I am preparing to enter a new field. I am training to be a substance abuse counselor. I have spoken to two counselors in the field as part of an assignment for the program. These are individuals who know what it is to lose themselves. I know it can't be an unhealthy thing but I realize that I have just begun to scratch the surface.

Yes, I am a mother of five. I teach yoga. I have tried to fill my life with doing good. There is more to go - more growth, more learning, more giving. I am both looking forward to this new experience while also knowing that I have to be wise not to get burned out. It is a new adventure.