I am about to disclose, that is, share something in public that is, by some standards, private. Whose standards? I'm not sure. Maybe standards I make up in my head. I don't know. Here it is. Twice in the last two days I have tasted true victory. It has to do with a party. Not the kind in someone's house with lots of people and music. No, this party is different. To the average observer, it's quiet and only involves one person, me.
I have to preface by saying that three days ago I arrived home from a 13 day vacation with my husband and four (out of five) children. We traveled several thousand miles through several states and saw beauties of this earth which can only have been created by God. We spent time with some of His people, ones we knew before and ones we just met. If that wasn't enough, well, brace yourself for this...we got closer to one another. The whole trip was about getting closer, to beauty in all its varieties, beautiful sights, creatures and souls. And we discovered the beauty of being a family together. Our unique personalities and sensibilities blending over long hours in the car. We marinated into each other and decided, in the end, that we are happy tobe stuck with the same last name, in the same living quarters, while on the road and back home.
The first victory after this trip came yesterday evening as I listened to James Taylor while making Chicken Lo Mein for dinner. My mom came into the kitchen intending, I believe, to chat. My son came in a few minutes after looking in cupboards as he often does. For what in particular I never really know, he just does it habitually while I am in the kitchen. I asked him about his plans for the evening. It turns out he will not be home for dinner. My mom is irked by that, always. She made some sort of disapproving laugh, thinking to get me in on the response. It has been a strangely political thing she does, trying to get me on her side against someone. It seems minor and it really is. She is not some lecherous, conniving presence in our home (although my husband would not shirk to say so). I don't even think she realizes what she does. Anyway, I was not going to be on her team. I said something friendly to my son and kept on cooking. My mom sat there for a few more moments, running out of things to say, then went to her room. The feeling of victory grew over a James Taylor song or two. I stayed my ground without getting offended by my mother. She can have her own little snitchiness. I don't have to. I knew how I wanted to feel, and I had the ability to feel it. I wanted to feel love.
Second victory came this morning after I received an email from my church leader. I had sent out a notice yesterday about yoga classes I will be teaching in our area and wanted to invite the ladies from my church. My leader has some words of advice about protocol and propriety. I was at first taken aback, but not too far back. I quickly thanked my leader for the tips. As I drove home from work (where I had read the email), I decided to send another email of apology. Once again, the feeling of victory grew as I sat in the car and outlined what I would say. I decided to tell the ladies that I still love them, which I do. I understood how important propriety is for some people. I knew how I wanted to feel, and I had the ability to feel it.
This is when I felt the party. I didn't feel it yesterday. I felt it today while driving in my car. The party is inside of me. It was an after victory party, in this case, two victories. The first one felt good. But this one feels great. I've realized I'm onto something here. I can have a party inside no matter what is going on outside. It felt like a churning energy source inside that can't be extinguished from without. It is a feeling of being in control, not of others, but of myself. I don't have a name for it. I can't relate it to anything I've learned in a book or in life. I think I am going to let it sit, grow and continue to reveal itself to me for the rest of my life.
I've got a party going on inside and the more someone tries to blow it out, the stronger it gets.
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